I can't anymore

"It will be so worth the wait. Just enjoy being single."

You have absolutely no idea how many times I've heard variations of this comment/conversation. From friends and family alike, and I know they mean well. They tell me about what's happened in their lives and the things they've gone through and the men they've dated before meeting the one. Then they explain they understand where I am and I shouldn't worry about being single at my age. I will find him, just not now. 

I love them. So much. And I love that they care and want to make me feel better. But it really, really hurts. Typically the people I talk to have dated people in the past. Their Mr Right is not the first they've been with, and therein lies the first issue. No one has ever shown interest. Like not even a little bit. Which leaves me feeling completely undesirable, which leads people to pity me and express vehemently that that isn't the case at all. It just isn't my time yet. Like a lot of things, it's not my turn. 

Sometimes it is their first relationship, but they are far enough into it to forget what it's like to be single. To be stuck behind while everyone around you moves on. I know this sounds unfair, but I'm only speaking from my perspective. In times like this it feels incredibly hopeless, and life isn't fair. When people give me this talk, it just makes me feel stupid for hurting, and for being in pain. It makes it sound like I shouldn't be upset that I'm single, and that I need to get over myself and be patient like everybody else. Believe it or not, I want to hurt. I want to cry, and I want to be in pain, and then I want to forget. But this conversation brings the pain without the forgetting. I need to forget. I need to not think about it. And I need to make jokes about it because it's the only way I can find to cope at the moment. I don't know when I'll be ok. And I don't know when I'll find whoever he is. But right now I need to grieve what I lost. It's important. And I need to be better about letting people know I can't hear it anymore. I'm so sorry for rejecting encouraging words, because I know the hearts they come from, and that also hurts me. But I really need to forget about boys and feelings and love. Because it's all stupid, and in my own way, I have to find a way to be ok, alone. If you want to sit with me in the pile of sadness I've created for the time being, please do. I welcome you. But save the encouragement for when I'm ready. Believe me, I'll let you know when I am.