Breathe

I want to run away.  I have always loved history, and am fasinated by stories of the past. I love fiction, and fantasy stories placed in the 17th century or even earlier. I can imagine myself there, almost. As a Duchess in a palace, a Lady in a castle, or even a peasent living in the village, working to provide for her family. I love hearing about the way they lived, the clothes they wore, the customs they adopted that would be highly frowned upon in current day. I find myself wishing I could run away to the past, experience life there. Of course the closest I can get is shows, books and movies, but I can still dream can't I?  Maybe I just want an escape from life for a bit. It definitely wouldn't be easier, especially considering in past times as a woman I would have very little of the freedom we enjoy now. But I find myself wishing for a different time. Life is hard, and I can't decide if I'm going uphill or down. If up, when is the next down, and if down, when is up ...

Feelings suck.  I'm tired of feeling and don't want to feel, but also scared of what happens if I don't. There's this guy I have a thing for, and recently I've discovered he likes someone else. She is amazing. She's adorable and smart and an amazing woman of God, and a lot of things I wish I was. Which is maybe why it stings so much that she is the one he likes.  To be honest, I have things to work on, so if I can get over myself it might be ok. There are so many things I've said I'm going to fix before I meet someone. My teeth, my weight, my wardrobe. I'm gonna work on my relationship with Christ, I'm gonna focus on being less loud and not being a nuisance, and I'm going to become someone who is desirable. Because I have convinced myself that the reason I am still not in a relationship at my age is because I'm not worth it.  Watching friends get into godly relationships is so cool to see, but also stings like hell. I hide it pretty well....

I have lost all motivation.  I was so excited to move to where I'm at. I was feeling good about life, even though my mind kept telling me not to trust it and that it was all too good to be true. The calm before the storm. I lost my job, but got a new one quickly, so I was feeling optimistic for awhile, and still am mentally for the most part, but my body cannot keep up.  I am exhausted in every way a person can be. I am almost as close to broke as I was at my lowest point, and I have several bills that need paid. I owe a lot to people and need one of my bills paid before I can even register for spring classes, to start towards a career that excites me. Laying in bed when I can't sleep I come up with all sorts of plans for the morning about all the amazing things I'll do. All the ways I'll pick myself up and pull myself together and feel some assemblance of productivity. And when I wake up, it's gone.  I am tired. And so tired of being tired and so tired of talking a...

I lost a friend this past weekend. He's not dead, but it will be a long time before I hear from him again. He came into my life during a time that I really didn't have anyone. If you had told me years ago I'd be best friends with a boy I wouldn't have believed you. And I hope he never sees this.  I don't make friends well. I'm not confident at all, and have a hard time approaching people. If you asked me how we became friends I would tell you I have absolutely no idea. Maybe it's just the fact that we bonded over our terrible sense of humor and our mutual hatred for the job we both worked. Not to mention the fact that one of my first memories of him is to this day one of the best sarcastic comebacks I've ever gotten.  I'm finding myself in a situation where I really need to trust. He is Mormon, and left for a mission, and will be back fall 2024. I've been praying hard for him because I want him to be saved and to see the truth of who Jesus really...