Grieving

Feelings suck. 

I'm tired of feeling and don't want to feel, but also scared of what happens if I don't. There's this guy I have a thing for, and recently I've discovered he likes someone else. She is amazing. She's adorable and smart and an amazing woman of God, and a lot of things I wish I was. Which is maybe why it stings so much that she is the one he likes. 

To be honest, I have things to work on, so if I can get over myself it might be ok. There are so many things I've said I'm going to fix before I meet someone. My teeth, my weight, my wardrobe. I'm gonna work on my relationship with Christ, I'm gonna focus on being less loud and not being a nuisance, and I'm going to become someone who is desirable. Because I have convinced myself that the reason I am still not in a relationship at my age is because I'm not worth it. 

Watching friends get into godly relationships is so cool to see, but also stings like hell. I hide it pretty well. And for the most part I'm ok. But there is always a pit in the bottom of my stomach, a throbbing in my heart that constantly reminds me that's not me. They aren't the type of friends that show off their relationships either, so it's nothing from them. They are just existing, and I honestly I don't deserve the friends that I have. I thank God for them every day. But it still hurts that they have hit that part of their life, and it almost feels as if they've left me behind. 

There is this quote I found a few months back that really hits right now. "I wanted it to be you. I so badly wanted it to be you. Until I realized you didn't want it to be me." Every guy I've had feelings for has turned out to be a mistake. Something I should regret, and to be brutally honest, I have a feeling this guy will end up the same as the others. One I'll watch move through life with someone else while I'm stuck here. 

I just needed to say some things. I'll come back another day and post about what God is doing, because believe me, it's a lot, but right now this is what I have. I'm learning it's ok to cry and grieve things that you wanted but never came to be, and this is one of those. I'm sure something good will come out of this, but honestly I'm not sure I want to think about that right now. I just want to sit in this for a little while. Grieve what could have been, and miss what was. Maybe tomorrow I'll be ready to face the world again with a smile and a genuine energy I typically possess. But not right now.