Breathe

Yesterday was my nephews second birthday.  Due to complicated circumstances I didn't get to see him, but his dad is dropping him off later today. I have a few fun gifts, and a few that mean something and I'm excited to see if he likes them. I think the best one though, is the one I started yesterday, but he won't see it until he's 18. I have been struggling, understandably, with the loss of his momma and aunt. They both loved him so much, and one of my biggest fears is that he won't remember either of them. So a dear mentor of mine gave me the idea to write to him and tell him all about them. And that's what I'm doing. A journal, talking to him, telling him everything I remember about his mom and aunt. I'll tell him how much he is loved and write about all his achievements that would have made her proud. And I'll let him know that we are so blessed to have him and will always be here no matter what happens. I wish she was here for this. She and my mo...

As I write this I am sitting in a cemetery.  Well, not technically sitting. I wasn't even planning on being here today, but I saw some pretty yellow tulips at the store I wanted to give the girls, and when I got here I decided to stay for awhile. I am currently laying on a blanket in front of the two, with a song on repeat that I stole from one of them. I may keep a blanket in my car at all times now. I'm sure people will assume it's in case of an emergency, as many people have blankets for such occasions, but mine will be for the times I decide I need my sisters.  The dirt is hard, but it still looks fresh enough. I can't decide if it'll be easier when the grass is green and covering the cemetary, or if it'll be harder, because they'll look like all the other sites that have been here forever. There are a few pinwheels with loving notes, and some fake flowers leaned against the side in pretty vases. I should get something like that. I've gotten them flo...

I had a very specific life that I wanted. I had things that maybe were more generalized, but things I knew that I needed. But now I'm finding I don't want those things as much as I did, if ever. I don't know if I want to start dating, because they won't be there to tell, and to give advice when I'm scared and don't know what to do. I don't know if I want to get married, because they won't get to walk down the aisle with me. I don't even know if I want to have kids, because they will never meet my children, and I don't know how to explain to little kids that they have 2 more aunties they will never know. My sister mentioned that she couldn't deal with the thought of dating someone who didn't know them, and I hadn't thought of that. If I start dating I'm going to have to tell them stories and show them pictures, because they will never meet and they will never truly know them. Not only am I mourning the girls, I'm mourning exper...