Breathe

Yesterday was my nephews second birthday.  Due to complicated circumstances I didn't get to see him, but his dad is dropping him off later today. I have a few fun gifts, and a few that mean something and I'm excited to see if he likes them. I think the best one though, is the one I started yesterday, but he won't see it until he's 18. I have been struggling, understandably, with the loss of his momma and aunt. They both loved him so much, and one of my biggest fears is that he won't remember either of them. So a dear mentor of mine gave me the idea to write to him and tell him all about them. And that's what I'm doing. A journal, talking to him, telling him everything I remember about his mom and aunt. I'll tell him how much he is loved and write about all his achievements that would have made her proud. And I'll let him know that we are so blessed to have him and will always be here no matter what happens. I wish she was here for this. She and my mo...

As I write this I am sitting in a cemetery.  Well, not technically sitting. I wasn't even planning on being here today, but I saw some pretty yellow tulips at the store I wanted to give the girls, and when I got here I decided to stay for awhile. I am currently laying on a blanket in front of the two, with a song on repeat that I stole from one of them. I may keep a blanket in my car at all times now. I'm sure people will assume it's in case of an emergency, as many people have blankets for such occasions, but mine will be for the times I decide I need my sisters.  The dirt is hard, but it still looks fresh enough. I can't decide if it'll be easier when the grass is green and covering the cemetary, or if it'll be harder, because they'll look like all the other sites that have been here forever. There are a few pinwheels with loving notes, and some fake flowers leaned against the side in pretty vases. I should get something like that. I've gotten them flo...

I had a very specific life that I wanted. I had things that maybe were more generalized, but things I knew that I needed. But now I'm finding I don't want those things as much as I did, if ever. I don't know if I want to start dating, because they won't be there to tell, and to give advice when I'm scared and don't know what to do. I don't know if I want to get married, because they won't get to walk down the aisle with me. I don't even know if I want to have kids, because they will never meet my children, and I don't know how to explain to little kids that they have 2 more aunties they will never know. My sister mentioned that she couldn't deal with the thought of dating someone who didn't know them, and I hadn't thought of that. If I start dating I'm going to have to tell them stories and show them pictures, because they will never meet and they will never truly know them. Not only am I mourning the girls, I'm mourning exper...

There's snow upon the gravesite Are you cold down there my love?  I know it's just your body And you're spirit's up above I wish you'd left in summertime Or maybe in the spring But leaving in the winter I fear you'll feel the icy sting If I'm cold then you must be I mean, how could you not?  I still can't believe you're gone It feels like I've been shot I hope you're looking down on me In your dancing and your song I'm sure you're happy where you are But this whole thing feels wrong Momma can't stop missing you And dad needs time to breathe The sisters want the rest of us And our brother struggles to grieve Your husband needs your sweet embrace Your baby needs your smile Your best friend thinks she's missing half Your guy friend's in denial We cling to all your photos Your clothes, your memories, your face It's never going to be enough It's like you've been replaced Now I'm watching snowflakes fall As they ...

February 24th, 2023 was the worst day of my life. It's the day I went from 6 sisters to 4. And it's the day I feel I lost absolutely everything.  2 of my sisters were involved in a car accident that took their lives, and none of us will ever be the same. Our family is closer than most, and I can honestly say I've never been more angry then right now. People are supposed to die in their 90s, not at 20 and 22. I'll be honest, I have not opened my bible since the accident, and the only time I've prayed was to yell. And I wouldn't even call it praying, just yelling in any direction. He took my sisters and I'm struggling to see a reason why. I don't. One of my sisters mentioned for closure she needed to see the girls. We could only see one, but that's what she needed to know they were truly gone. I realized tonight I need more. Mom says she can see the effect. She can see how it's touched and moved people, but raw moment of honesty, I don't care. ...

"It will be so worth the wait. Just enjoy being single." You have absolutely no idea how many times I've heard variations of this comment/conversation. From friends and family alike, and I know they mean well. They tell me about what's happened in their lives and the things they've gone through and the men they've dated before meeting the one. Then they explain they understand where I am and I shouldn't worry about being single at my age. I will find him, just not now.  I love them. So much. And I love that they care and want to make me feel better. But it really, really hurts. Typically the people I talk to have dated people in the past. Their Mr Right is not the first they've been with, and therein lies the first issue. No one has ever shown interest. Like not even a little bit. Which leaves me feeling completely undesirable, which leads people to pity me and express vehemently that that isn't the case at all. It just isn't my time yet. Like ...