Waiting to Get Hit

February 24th, 2023 was the worst day of my life. It's the day I went from 6 sisters to 4. And it's the day I feel I lost absolutely everything. 

2 of my sisters were involved in a car accident that took their lives, and none of us will ever be the same. Our family is closer than most, and I can honestly say I've never been more angry then right now. People are supposed to die in their 90s, not at 20 and 22. I'll be honest, I have not opened my bible since the accident, and the only time I've prayed was to yell. And I wouldn't even call it praying, just yelling in any direction. He took my sisters and I'm struggling to see a reason why. I don't. One of my sisters mentioned for closure she needed to see the girls. We could only see one, but that's what she needed to know they were truly gone. I realized tonight I need more. Mom says she can see the effect. She can see how it's touched and moved people, but raw moment of honesty, I don't care. I don't care who felt touched by their service, I don't care who is moved by how we handle it. I don't even care that the community is watching, because that means I'm supposed to pretend I'm fine, and I'm not. I need a specific instance, a particularly divine moment, something I can point at and say, "that right there, that's why they had to go." And if I don't get that I don't see how I can move past this. Because if nothing specific happened because of their deaths, they died for nothing. If no one was saved, if no miracle occured, then it's just a stupid accident with some ice and a semi. And I don't think I can live with that because they deserved better. They both had so much to live for, and I cannot bear the thought that they died for nothing. It's gonna be a really long time before I'm ok, if ever. I'm just floating through days at this point with no motivation, no goals except to get to the next hour. I really really need this closure and I don't know that I'll ever get it. Because honestly it feels our family gets one blow after another, and I don't see how we would get anything of value now. This post is depressing, I know, but it's things I needed to say. I guess all I can do now is lay on the floor and wait for us to get hit again, because somebody will before too long.